I’m Resolved.

Tonight I’m officially making the resolution to get rid of my fear of missing out.

I will be satisfied in my decisions and plans, and if I start to feel like there is something better out there, I will either take action to change my plans or accept my decisions.

When I have plans to do something fun, and frankly something that I’ve dreamed of doing, I will be happy for others making plans in their own lives. I’m going to work on accepting that everyone’s lives revolve around themselves, including mine. So when I leave, life will go on and fun will happen and memories will be made. That doesn’t mean I’m missing out. That means we’re all living out own lives, we’re having our own adventures.

I’m going to stop thinking about things as missing out or the possibility of being left behind, and start thinking about it as each of us living our own lives, so we have something new to talk about when we’re all back together.

<3′ Me

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Life feels good, ya know?

So I don’t exactly know how to describe it. You know what feeling?

Today I got some emotional justification that I may in fact be on the right life-path for me at the moment.

Today I got one step closer to studying abroad in Florence in the fall.

Today I got to talk to an amazing friend, or acquaintance who I am slowly turning into a friend whether she knows it or not.

Today it snowed, just for me.

Today I found my best study spot.

Today I got to eat and hangout with people who I knew, who I never see, and just catch up and reminisce.

Today someone reaffirmed the importance of our friendship.

Today I made more than one someone laugh.

Today I laughed.

Today, I felt a little lighter and I don’t quite know why, but  I’m definitely not mad about it.

<3′ Me

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365 Days of Me

A year ago today I started taking self-portraits of myself. For this entire year, I continued doing this. And now, after documenting myself for a year, I’ve finally completed my goal: Take a Photo a day for a Year!

Check out my accomplishment in the pics here:

2013

I’ve got a video slideshow, but I’m semi-technologically challenged, so I’ve still gotta figure out how to post that… I’ve got lots of fun adventures to tell you about this past year, and a lot of 2013 Goals completed.

But for now I’m off to freak out about my internship: I start tomorrow for three weeks at Franciscan Hospital for Children and I am both unbelievably excited and out of my mind terrified!!

Wish me luck, and Happy 2014!
<3′ Me

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101 Things That Make Me Happy

I actually made this list a few weeks back, when all of my friends abandoned me on campus except for Anna from C.A.T. (who I noticed was really nice and at the beginning of the year was like ‘hmmm… why am I not better friends with her??’ so I decided that we’d become best friends and now we’re the bestest of friends for sure). So we decided to try to check something off of the 2013 List, and our crazy Saturday night plans became to hang out in one of the freshman dorms (she’s an RA there) and make lists of the things that make us happy.

So I might be a little delayed in posting this, but here’s my list (in no particular order) of 101 Things that make me happy (plus a couple extras…):

  1. Christmas magic
  2. Mom
  3. Beckiboo
  4. advice from G’ma
  5. snow
  6. Ella snuggles
  7. really good/ tight hugs
  8. true surprises
  9. airplanes
  10. Talking to Mattie as she grows up
  11. “Kimbeeee!”
  12. nicknames
  13. perfect light
  14. taking photographs
  15. late night chats
  16. recognition
  17. laughing until you can’t breathe
  18. car rides
  19. giving the perfect gift
  20. Causeway
  21. sophomore year EC friends
  22. LLS bonds
  23. kitties
  24. Muff curled up by my legs
  25. Bugs hugging me for her dinner
  26. thick socks on cold toes
  27. TV obsessions
  28. fitting quotes
  29. art
  30. losing myself in art
  31. white chocolate Lindt chocolates
  32. cold air but thick blankets
  33. Shirley Temples with cherries
  34. new seasons
  35. swimming on a hot day
  36. sounds of the waves
  37. walking on smooth pavement
  38. walking barefoot
  39. silk pants
  40. freshly shaved legs
  41. hot tea with honey
  42. crispy bacon
  43. peppermint hot chocolate from What’s Brewin’
  44. discussions about ‘big’ things
  45. sharing to feel light, not empty
  46. Annie’s shells
  47. chocolate lava cake
  48. crunching leaves
  49. feeling important
  50. clementines without seeds
  51. really, full on debating something with someone open
  52. smooth stones/ inspiration rocks
  53. perfect fitting clothes, the first time
  54. fun earrings
  55. slightly dull pencils
  56. flickering candles
  57. real life BtVS moments
  58. new crafts
  59. listing
  60. people talking about me
  61. Matilda/ George of the Jungle/ childhood movies
  62. photobooths
  63. cute baby animals
  64. take-aways
  65. complete silence
  66. feeling independent
  67. waking up rested
  68. new friends
  69. staring at the sky (feeling in a globe)
  70. watching kids movies with a meaning
  71. memories/ remembering memories
  72. smiling
  73. earning money
  74. completing a task/ test/ paper/ project
  75. stickers
  76. swinging
  77. stuffy/ light feeling after crying
  78. loft talks with Beckiboo
  79. being  kid with Uncle Bill
  80. stopping everything to photograph with Aunt Nancy
  81. Char understanding the weird stuff
  82. moving on
  83. Heidi drives/ singing car rides
  84. hanging out of a car window/ driving fast
  85. working really late or starting early (by choice)
  86. comfy hats
  87. untangling knots/ solving puzzles
  88. sidewalk chalk
  89. gooey brownies
  90. super smooth paint
  91. reading books
  92. talking to Lucy in-person
  93. talking to Brianna like no time has passed
  94. always.
  95. Mommy believing in me/ being proud of me
  96. sunlight’s warmth
  97. cool breezes
  98. thunderstorms/ big snowstorms/ big any storms
  99. Epaminondous
  100. really good storytellers
  101. dreams
  102. hope
  103. gray hour
  104. bright colors
  105. curved lines
  106. my doodle book
  107. Barbs
  108. Lexus’ rant exchanges that turn into conversations or debates
  109. Lauren stopping on a whim with me
  110. Hales’ laugh
  111. Tallks with Suzie
  112. My MacBook
  113. when things just work out
  114. Grant me serenity…
  115. music
  116. scary things
  117. french fries
  118. smell of grilled food
  119. when hair parts & stays the right way
  120. bruises
  121. seeing light (streaming light)
  122. the creek
  123. hearing about grandpa
  124. John & Kelly
  125. life changing new ideas
  126. ducttape
  127. keys
  128. super thin pages
  129. mango
  130. froyo
  131. lying on my bed/ pillows after a long day
  132. hiding spots
  133. making friendship bracelets
  134. cream cheese in the bagel hole
  135. silhouettes
  136. heart between kissing faces
  137. happiness that seems really really real
  138. noisy houses full of life (kids)
  139. seeing new places
  140. learning
  141. being so far out on the cliffs that I feel like I can fly
  142. contrast
  143. polar fleece/ fuzzy blankets
  144. when people like me
  145. EC
  146. the little bridge
  147. solo piano/ acoustic guitar
  148. lucky things
  149. lighthouses
  150. jelly donuts
  151. everything Christmas Eve
  152. watching snow from a warm place
  153. new views on something
  154. fireworks
  155. feeling infinite
  156. people getting my references
  157. feeling high on being around friends
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Update on all Goals, 2013

So the year is almost over, and I’ve been hard at work (sometimes) trying to work on some of these goals.

(See the full and updated list here!)

I haven’t done all of them, and I honestly don’t expect to. But just to be clear, that’s not me excepting defeat or anything. That’s just kinda how I view my lists now. My goal isn’t to complete the entire list, although that would always be cool.

No.

My goal with all these lists of goals is to push myself, to dream big and try new things. I know that the chances of me finishing 100 big goals in a year, means completing a goal almost every 3 days. And that’s not taking into consideration the big goals that take planning or span a larger amount of time. Oh, and that’s also excluding my uberly busy life.

I know that a lot of my friends see all my lists and think I’v gone nutty, or that it’s just another extension of some kind of OCD (which in some cases it might be a little of), or that I’m planning my life too much to actually live it. One of the guys in the art department at my school, we’ll call him Ernie, had a whole talk with me once about what a problem my lists were. I could see where he was coming from, but I also stopped trying to convince him of their benefits at one point because it became clear that he just didn’t get it.

I’m a very structured person. I love control. And although some of my best memories and fun experiences have involved me giving up whole bunches of control, I can’t live my life like that. I’m very involved. I do lots of clubs, take lots of classes, try to connect to lots of people, and still make time for as many other experiences and fun times as possible. That means that in order to keep up my GPA, sleep occasionally, and honestly just remember when I’m meeting someone or that I’m supposed to eat, I have to list it all out.

But even I have to admit, sometimes I get a little carried away. So the solution is, instead of trying to change the way I think and live my entire life, I’ll change the way I think about free time. I’ll schedule in breaks where I can do whatever and have fun with friends. I’ll ensure that I don’t plan away my college years. I’ll dream up great lists of weird, random, fun, and monumental goals- and maybe, definitely, I won’t finish them all. But I’ll do some things that I might not’ve been able to commit to otherwise. I’ll learn which things really matter to me, and either do them or try harder the next time.

My goals lists aren’t really bucket lists, because even though I put a deadline on them, what I get done by a certain date isn’t what matters. My lists are just a way to keep track of life, but life is what happens in-between the goals. Life is the fits of laughter with Stella and Johanna when we try to dye my hair in a little bathroom. Life is talking to Grace for 2 hours instead of doing my work because we both needed a break from it all. Life is skyping with Joe and her 1st boyfriend just because. Life is when Regina and I stay up way too late debating about something we both agree with.

Life is talking to Anastasia for hours and hours about me visiting her in NYC, planning out endless adventures that we abandoned or exchanged when I actually came to see her. Life is Penny and Beth letting me hide under their covers because interaction with humans is just too much for socially awkward me to figure out. Life is the chats in the painting studio, the late night froyo runs, the walks across campus, the photo adventures, and everything else that happens instead of me actually making ramen or riding an elephant.

I didn’t mean to ramble for so long, but you get the picture. My lists aren’t my life, they’re just another piece of it.

Nighty night, and dream big.
<3′ Me

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The Always and the Infinite

Sometimes I’m stuck thinking about all the little moments.

I mean, that’s all life is. A series of acquaintances that turn into friends. A series of movements that turn into forevers. A series of ‘why not’s that turn into ‘remember when’s. Happenstances turn into destinies, or forgotten mistakes. It all passes; its all so fleeting.

But we’re fleeting too, and even more so.  I guess, then, that makes it all infinite to us. Its like an unbearable lightness– so bright that it is blinding, and suffocating because we’re swallowing so much air our lungs feel like they might explode. The pressure of possibility might be the most terrifying thing in the universe. But its always there., the possibility. Its just sometimes we bury ourselves to hide from it. Under work, under people, under the soft comforters of our own beds. Anything we can tie ourselves too to keep from floating away.

After all, the fear isn’t that we’ll step into the darkness and fall down. We know what happens if we fall down– the real fear is the unknown. The real fear is what happens if we float away? So we shun the infinite in exchange for the certainty of an everyday and turn our backs to anything else. We can learn how to fail, but not how to succeed. So we’ll throw ourselves, head first, risking life and limb. After all, injury is certain, and death is an ‘always’. It is not our death that scares us, but life itself. The words ‘future’ and ‘more’– they’re practically vulgar; cuss words.

So we flounder, we wallow. Pain, isolation, mourning- it feels like a dark comfort. We expect the hurt of the needle’s prick, we expect the pain, and we expect it to bleed. The scar is merely an ancient ache, the repetition acting as soothing as a lullabye, like the nostalgia of ancient pictures and childhood dolls. So we cling to the dark instead of embracing the feeling of light, but it is that light that is the only true point of life. Without our own infinities, we might as well surrender now.

And yet, we soldier on.

We fight against the desire to cling. We fight to let go. We fight to be free and light. The light, after all, is easier. It feels better, but it also feels different. The cold, the heavy– this is the comfortable. When we finally let go, finally push the weight off, we feel too light. It feels empty. We become so used to the weight that it makes us feel whole. But a life lived buried under burdens can hardly be considered a whole life. So we must push on, push forward, and push off the load, because it is only then that we can live.

<3′ Me

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…things ‘TO DO’

I’m a lister, incase you can’t tell from my loverly blog here. I make lists to plan- packing for vacations, homework, and of course hypothesizing what the rest of my life will or should be like. I make lists because it makes me feel like I’ve got some say, some control, in this crazy bunch of days we call a life.

I rarely finish everything on my list, and I always have more than one going at a time. Having my listing notebook is like a security blanket, it won’t defend against things that go bump in the night, but it keeps my from worrying about all the stuff that I probably am worrying about. Pretty much, they keep me sane.

TO DO Lists

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most recently, I started re-working my College Bucket List! I’ve still got some work to do, but I’ll post it soon for you.  

In the meantime, I really wanted to tell you about something I read a couple weeks ago. It stayed with me in the way that I can’t get it out of my head, the way that really makes me think. It’s from the book The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera. I honestly don’t know why I got this book to begin with, other than the fact that some random online list told me that it’s one of those ‘have to read before you finish college’ types. And the title sounded cool (people underestimate the value of a good title). But I digress.

On page 59, one of the character’s begins,
” Anyone whose goal is ‘something higher’ must expect some day to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? Then why do we have ut even when he observation tower comes equipped with s sturdy handrail? No, vertigo is something oher than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.”

I don’t know exactly why it’s sticking with me so deeply. I mean there’s the obvious: it’s true. But other than that, I guess is all goes back to what Regina mentioned the other night. There’s this Freudian concept about a death wish. Supposedly, everyone’s got one. It’s why we do risky things like driving fast or smoking cigarettes. We confront it through theater or books or movies. We get some thrill from facing death and then living another day, so whether we realize it or not, that’s why we crave that adrenaline.

That’s why I procrastinate. Not a literal fear of death here, but a figurative confrontation with that failure that haunts me the most. Try pushing the boundaries just a little more, you know, see how long you can wait before you finish that paper and see how good it feels when you succeed. I know it doesn’t make sense. So maybe it’s that ‘death wish’ we have, pushing me to face stress constantly and explaining my insane love of murder mystery and supernatural shows. Maybe it’s vertigo, maybe I’m secretly trying to fail and plummet off that preverbal observation deck, and just clinging the the idea of what my life is or should be like. Maybe it’s both, or maybe those are both just the rambling of two different individuals who think too deeply about things.

I’ll let you make up your own mind about that. But for now, I’ve gotta run (quite literally) to get ready and head across campus to finish my painting for my afternoon class!

May your days be exciting, and take a minute today to experience the lightness of being.

Until next time!
<3′ Me

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“Learn to carry the universe, or be crushed by it”

“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst”

Lights of Loss

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Curled up with a Cup of Tea

Today was a rough day.

I’ve been having a lot of rough days lately.

On Friday we found out that someone at my college passed away last Wednesday. She was a senior girl who I knew form CAT club. She was warm and bright and so enthusiastic. I’m left with a lot of questions, less answers, and this weird pit in my stomach.

I feel weird about it, because even though I knew her and talked to her and was in a club with her, I really didn’t know her that well. I feel guilty or selfish for feeling this sad about her passing. There are people who know her- knew her- so much better. I can’t even begin to imagine their pain right now.

And so here I am.

I don’t really know where to go next.

It feels like there are two realities right now: the normal everyday one, where I build homecoming floats and go to awards dinners and laugh with friends and complain and paint and run around with my crazy busy life. And then there’s the other one; the new one that hopefully will fade away soon, the one where I feel exhausted and sad and weirdly contemplative about things I really don’t want to think about. I just want to curl up in bed with warm tea and fuzzy things and not move for a little while.

I feel the need to be close to people right now. I’ve talked to a lot of my friends who I haven’t caught up with in a while, spent time with my mom and sister, and had a lot of hugs. But at the same time. I’m too tired to talk. I’m just so sick of talking. And I just don’t have anything left to say.

This weekend was a really weird sensation because it was Homecoming Weekend and Family Weekend, so I had fun and spent time with my mom and sister and best roomie ever and all my friends here. I’ve been painting a lot with oils and listening to a ton of new music and doing some really neat stuff with photography. So I know that life’s still pretty amazing. I’ve just got an Eyore cloud over my head right now, and I can’t seem to shake it.

This weekend is a long weekend, and Thursday night it looks like I might be able to go to the Topsfield Fair with Bethany! Hopefully a little sleep, a little alone time, and some kitty cuddling time with shake this.

Until next time!

All my love,
<3′ Me

 

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A Year for Adventures

That’s what I’ve decided this year is. And will be.

A year of adventures.

Do you know where I’ll be a year from now? In Italy. I’ll be studying abroad in Italy… And I’m so so so unbelievably excited to go!

I’m going to Florence, to study art in places that the masters learned their crafts. I’ll eat delicious foods, learn new languages, travel to amazing places in Italy and all throughout Europe, see historic sites, and make some of the most amazing memories. I’ll be going with my friend Penny from my major/ all of my classes for eternity. Plus, although she isn’t quite as weird as me, we’re practically the same person. And Laura (also from our major) might be coming too! It’s going to be amazing and petrifying all rolled into one big adventure.

I can’t wait.

So why should I?

I had this realization last night. See I got froyo with Jackie, who graduated last year, and we were talking about all my big plans and her life in the real world, and our lives in general. I mentioned that this is my last carefree fall at college.
*Now I know what you’re all thinking. The same thing Jackie said to me: you’re only a sophomore! The times will go quickly enough without me helping it along, but bear with me*
See next year I’ll have an amazing adventure in Italy, but it won’t be a New England fall, and I won’t actually be at EC. Senior year will be back at my school, but mixed with semester long internships, which I’ve seen make it pretty tough to have spontaneous or even fun planned fall adventures with friends. Then I’m a graduate, but we won’t go into the scary dark land that comes with a diploma quite yet.

My point is, time flies. It’s currently flying by.

Right.

This.

Second.

Hear that whoosh sound? That’s time. It just passed.

But seriously, time does always pass quicker than you expect it to. And as much as I can’t wait for far off traveling adventures, I want to think just as much about the adventures that I could be having now- and the ones that I am having!

So I’ve decided that this year will be my year of adventures.

I’ve got a 2013 List to finish checking off- filled with some crazy and fun things, and I’m already off to a great start- I’ve got good stories AND pictures in my next post. Just you wait! (This is my shameless plug to try to get you to come back and visit my blog again, it’s like I’m dropping breadcrumb on the ground for you and you’re a very hungry little pigeon who will follow them to my future posts). But for real.

My fall is going to be filled with me doing every fun thing I care to do with anyone I care to do it with! That means people like Regina, Bethany, and Addie- who sometimes would not like to tolerate my shenanigans, will be dragged along to the fun! Along with other awesome people who my crazy brain can’t think of the code names for at the moment… But fairs, concerts, apple picking, random events on campus; heck even yoga! I’m going to do it all. Because although I actually do think that the fun times we have hanging around in my dorm room, with everyone sitting down doing nothing, are some of my most goofy and fun memories of college so far, I’m not passing up any opportunities!

So self, get ready for adventures!
Blogosphere, get ready for posts!
And world, get ready for me!!

Whelp, now that it’s Monday morning and not Sunday night, I should probably start seizing the moment! (And by that I mean showering and maybe doing that sleep thing the kids seem to rave about these days)

Now go live a little!
<3′ Me

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